


sometimes in the light you miss the dark

by marsandhispride



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Panic Attacks, Platonic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, takes place after dwit, this whole fic is me saying what if virgil WASNT part of the hating janus squad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25629268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsandhispride/pseuds/marsandhispride
Summary: A week ago, Virgil told Thomas he had been a Dark Side. It’d been a week since he’d seen Remus after months, maybe years? He’d lost track. It felt like a punch in the gut that sent him to the ground gasping for air. It just felt all too familiar. Seeing him standing in the place of Roman just made everything feel too real, as if after working so hard he was just back where he’d started. The worst part: Virgil kind of missed it.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 1
Kudos: 75





	sometimes in the light you miss the dark

Virgil hadn’t left his room in a week. Patton had left him food outside his door for every meal he missed. It wasn’t necessary, they didn’t really have to eat, but Virgil appreciated the gesture. Roman would sometimes knock on his door and ask if he wanted to do something with him. Virgil always replied with a simple no. Logan slipped encouraging notes under his door, they were always just a little too long and didn’t always have the positive tone he was going for, but Virgil still kept all of them on his bedside table if he needed a nice reminder. 

A week ago, Virgil told Thomas he had been a Dark Side. It’d been a week since he’d seen Remus after months, maybe years? He’d lost track. It felt like a punch in the gut that sent him to the ground gasping for air. It just felt all too familiar. Seeing him standing in the place of Roman just made everything feel too real, as if after working so hard he was just back where he’d started. The worst part: Virgil kind of missed it. 

Remus had always been a pain in the ass, he sent Virgil over the edge and into a panic attack multiple times. But he’d always done his best to calm him down afterwards, and he apologized every time. It was just his nature, his function as a side was to literally freak Virgil out. And when he wasn’t being an annoying little shit, him and Virgil liked to watch scary movies and cause trouble for…

Janus. Virgil didn’t like thinking about him because the first time he’d shown up in place of Patton the only thing he’d felt was pure, unadulterated anger with a dash of hatred. Than he’d shown up again with that stupid court room scenario and it was just so him. After it was all said and done Virgil had gone to his room and cried. Because seeing him again, so in his element and so excited, Virgil couldn’t handle it. He felt a sense of nostalgia, the kind that makes everything seem worse in comparison. The kind that made him long for the past in that stupid way it does. Even though he knows Janus is bad. He’s selfish and willing to do anything to put Thomas on top. To make Thomas happy. To care for Thomas. Even if his goals were good, he went about it in the wrong way. Virgil knew his fear blinded him to Janus’s contributions, but could anyone really blame him? He personified anxiety and Janus did a lot of things to make him anxious. His whole existence made him anxious. The same went for Remus. It was better that Virgil was with the others. 

So why did he feel like this? 

He took in a stuttering breath. He shouldn’t feel like this. He shouldn’t want to be back with them,  _ he  _ left  _ them _ . He could remember the look in Janus’s eyes. For once, showing some semblance of vulnerability as Remus stood next to him, whose every emotion laid out for them to see, but that was nothing new. The way Janus’s voice cracked when he asked him to stay. But he’d turned and left. It felt so right, leaving them behind. But now? 

Virgil couldn’t breathe. He tried to but his breaths were shallow, his chest heaved and he curled in on himself. He tried to remember his breathing exercises. 4-7-8. 4-7-8. It wasn’t working. Why wasn’t it working? This only freaked Virgil out more and now tears fell from his eyes, leaving a black streak of makeup with each one. His throat started to hurt and it was only then he noticed he was wailing. He didn’t know what to do. Janus would know. Janus always knew.

“Janus.” Virgil cried out like a child would for their mother. Before he could stop himself he called out again. Then again. And again. It wasn’t long before the wailing had been replaced for desperate pleas. He’d shut his eyes tight and lied down on his stomach. He buried his face into his mattress, still begging. Still calling out. It hurt but he couldn’t stop. 

There was a hand on his back. Then another on his shoulder. With a little struggle he was pulled up into a sitting position. He kept his eyes shut, he didn’t want to see who’s hands they were, he felt he may already know the answer. The hand stayed on his back and he felt a dip in the mattress in front of where he sat. His breathing was still erratic, sobs still came from his throat. The hand on his shoulder moved to his face where it wiped away his tears and also probably smudged his makeup. He opened his eyes slowly. In front of him was Janus, face pinched in concern and confusion. This just made him cry harder. 

“Virgil, follow my breathing.” He said. He took in an exaggerated breath and Virgil tried but hearing his name come out of his mouth still hurt. Janus moved his hands to Virgil’s and brought them to his chest. He took in a deep breath which Virgil followed better. He followed his breathing, albeit shaky. Janus would say reassuring phrases every now and again but for the most part he stayed quiet. Virgil thanked God for that. He kept his gaze down to his lap, avoiding Janus’s staring. He could breathe normally again and he’d stopped crying. Janus let go of his hands, which he brought to his face to scrub away the last of the tears in his eyes. They sat in silence for a long while, neither daring to speak. Janus shifted so he lied down on his back, hands folded over his stomach. 

“You can leave now.” Virgil said. Janus rolled his eyes. 

“I’m absolutely staying because I want to and not because we need to talk about what just happened.” Janus lifted himself a little with his elbows. 

“Do we?” Virgil grabbed a pillow and hugged it to his chest. 

“Seeing as how you just cried out for  _ me _ of all sides, yes we do.” 

“You always knew how to calm me down from panic attacks.” Virgil muttered. 

“That’s really it?” Janus asked in a way in which he knew it wasn’t. Virgil took in a deep breath and spoke in a hushed tone. 

“You’re better at cooking than Patton is. Roman is decent enough but you’ve always been good.”

“Virgil-” Janus sat up. Virgil ignored him. 

“And Remus’s experiments have an element of fun that Logan’s don’t. His spontaneity and unpredictability is scary for the most part but there’s times where it’s fun.”

“Virgil.” Janus said stronger, but he pushed on. 

“And I know it’s not fair because I was the one who left but I miss you two. A lot. More than I want to admit.” Virgil looked over at Janus, who looked undeniably sad. It felt like a stab to the chest. Janus met Virgil’s eyes and despite a voice screaming in his head to look away, Virgil maintained the eye contact. He watched Janus’s lip tremble and eyes get glossy. He quickly stood up and made a move to leave. Virgil lunged forward and grabbed onto his capelet. He looked up at Janus and did what he never thought he’d ever do. 

“I’m sorry.” He swallowed the lump in his throat, “I shouldn’t have just left you guys. I could have done something else, something that wasn’t so selfish. For once  _ I _ was the selfish one and at the worst time. I am so so sorry, Janus.” He could feel more tears well up in his eyes, as if he hadn’t cried enough today. Janus finally looked at him. Tears already fell from his eyes and that caused Virgil’s to as well. He wrapped his arms around Janus’s middle and buried his face in his stomach. Janus placed his arms around Virgil’s neck and tilted his head down. They both cried in each other’s embrace. After a minute Virgil let go and stood up. 

“Do you forgive me?” His voice sounded so small, even to his own ears. Like a teenager apologizing to their parents after breaking the rules, the guilt eating at them. Janus looked at him and cupped his face in his hands. 

“You were forgiven a long time ago.” He said. Virgil damn near cried again but willed himself not to. Instead, he smiled and pulled him in for another, less awkward hug. Things weren’t going to go back to the way they used to be, Virgil knew this. If anything, it would complicate things and it could mess up everything he worked so hard to overcome. For once, he didn’t dwell on it because Janus had his face in Virgil’s hair and his hands wrapped so tightly around his back it felt like a snake coiled around him and it all felt so familiar and so, impossibly right. 

**Author's Note:**

> virgil and janus's relationship is something that can be so personal........   
> i hope you enjoyed this ! i simply love the dark sides a lot esp virgil and janus's relationship its so parental to me, like the rebellious son and the dad who refuses to admit he may have been wrong, those r their vibes   
> i hope yall are having a wonderful day/afternoon/night, drink some water, and send some love to the people you care about <3  
> tumblr: ssidesblog


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